split w/ r​.​u​.​u​.​n​.​e.

by alyssa kai

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recorded and mixed by noel'le longhaul; art by nick berger; released august 12th 2016 by great falls arts collective


released August 12, 2016



all rights reserved


alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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Track Name: stealing sunglasses (alyssa kai)
leave home and take a drive
thieves in the desert light
rumble up and down the truss
and we hum right along
road rises up to meet us
wheels rend the road to pieces
wrong is just a word for us
when we don't play along
we don't even live here
this massive mountain land
so I put the glasses on my face
and try to understand
the heat is on my shirt is off
my sweat evaporates
not much else that can be done
on such a sunny day

used to never cross the street
without a light there guiding me
I've not grown much but grown enough
to understand the difference
ethics don't amount to much
against a swarm of semitrucks
who'll run you down and run along
whatever light's appearance
so steal just what you have to
or just what you feel
god has not yet come for us
he probably never will
but if the judgement's coming
I know just what I'll say
not much else that can be done
on such a sunny day

pull off the interstate
pause for a bite to eat
pray for rain pray for days
til pain of hunger passes
walk out with what I need
tucked underneath my sleeve
pay respects for all the rest
but never pay for glasses
and if the manager comes running
then we'll just have to run
and do what creatures have to do here
underneath the sun
my shields are up my smile's out
we drive without delay
steal the things to shield yourself
on such a sunny day
Track Name: masochist transsexual submissives for jesus (alyssa kai)
nothing makes sense so I light up a cigarette
lean my body gainst the seat
watch the tip burn down to nothing
see what nothing means
stub it out slow on my sensitive forearms
feel the dead skin overheat
this is what it's like to have a body
so sweet so

I often wander in circles dragged out dissociate
unaware of any other thing
but I snap back in time with what you call me
pretty little thing
clamp down on your fingers suckling them slowly
my face flushing with the heat
this is what it's like to have a body
so sweet so

you leave my closet where I'm sleeping
I pick up what I need
draw it cross my body and everything on me
and watch those little red lines bleed
run off to the washroom to sanitize these old wounds
feel the sting of water's heat
this is what it's like to have a body
so sweet so sweet so

understand the state my body's been in
in and out and broken and beat
try to suffer into understanding
but just end up suffering
run out in the rainstorm hallucinating wildly
feel my fingers start to freeze
this is what it's like to have a body
so sweet
Track Name: free coffee (alyssa kai)
so someone steals our fucking van
and then they find our fucking van
tires slashed siphoned gas
no battery left in it
so we get it back and get it straight
but forget to get an oil change
and so here we rot this parking lot
while the work is finished
and in the lobby in the lobby
like light sources blazing and bouncing off me
in the lobby in the lobby
free coffee free coffee

so someone sells my sister dope
I get the call and stumble home
with hickeys on a binding bra
I let my family see me
they take her off of life support
my family cries the vultures swarm
I lead them through two by two
to help them with their grieving
in the lobby in the lobby
in little styrofoam cups that my relatives brought me
in the lobby in the lobby
free coffee free coffee

so it's pretty hard to hang yourself
I tried my best it wasn't much
I called my ba he traveled back
he took me to the clinic
they get me in the intake's fine
but I look back at him one more time
he's far behind trying to find
some kind of comfort in it
in the lobby in the lobby
while my father has to wonder what he'd do without me
in the lobby in the lobby
free coffee free coffee
Track Name: rolling cigarettes (alyssa kai)
the trees are just here to protect us from the highway
the highways just here to bring us to the roads
that leads up the back stair to the rickedy back porch
where three or four trans women have nowhere else to go
you roll me a cigarette in a little machine
spits it out slowly light delicate
made as a weapon for the passage of time
for something to live for or for the hell of it

yeah we're blowing smoke here but whatdyou care
we live on currents your weather has set
the humid air follows us up to our shelter
and sticks to the porcelain where the ash collects
I like smoking them fine but I like secondhand better
cause out there we'll flare up alone
and down here we burn out together

the filters just here to protect us from the poison
the poison's just here so we never leave
so we sit on this back porch protecting each other
with the limited weaponry that we find within reach
you roll me a cigarette heaping with plenty
with fingers so nimble and delicate stained
we'll be full til we're empty
then try to be full again

yeah we're blowing smoke here but isn't it pretty
and isn't it something and isn't it swell
that hurting ourselves and hurting each other
and hurting the world is just what makes us well
I'll buy them uptight and it's fine
but I like them loose and its better
cause out there they hunt us in packs
and down here the fags roll together