split w/ r​.​u​.​u​.​n​.​e.

by alyssa kai

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leave home and take a drive thieves in the desert light rumble up and down the truss and we hum right along road rises up to meet us wheels rend the road to pieces wrong is just a word for us when we don't play along we don't even live here this massive mountain land so I put the glasses on my face and try to understand the heat is on my shirt is off my sweat evaporates not much else that can be done on such a sunny day used to never cross the street without a light there guiding me I've not grown much but grown enough to understand the difference ethics don't amount to much against a swarm of semitrucks who'll run you down and run along whatever light's appearance so steal just what you have to or just what you feel god has not yet come for us he probably never will but if the judgement's coming I know just what I'll say not much else that can be done on such a sunny day pull off the interstate pause for a bite to eat pray for rain pray for days til pain of hunger passes walk out with what I need tucked underneath my sleeve pay respects for all the rest but never pay for glasses and if the manager comes running then we'll just have to run and do what creatures have to do here underneath the sun my shields are up my smile's out we drive without delay steal the things to shield yourself on such a sunny day
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nothing makes sense so I light up a cigarette lean my body gainst the seat watch the tip burn down to nothing see what nothing means stub it out slow on my sensitive forearms feel the dead skin overheat this is what it's like to have a body so sweet so I often wander in circles dragged out dissociate unaware of any other thing but I snap back in time with what you call me pretty little thing clamp down on your fingers suckling them slowly my face flushing with the heat this is what it's like to have a body so sweet so you leave my closet where I'm sleeping I pick up what I need draw it cross my body and everything on me and watch those little red lines bleed run off to the washroom to sanitize these old wounds feel the sting of water's heat this is what it's like to have a body so sweet so sweet so understand the state my body's been in in and out and broken and beat try to suffer into understanding but just end up suffering run out in the rainstorm hallucinating wildly feel my fingers start to freeze this is what it's like to have a body so sweet
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so someone steals our fucking van and then they find our fucking van tires slashed siphoned gas no battery left in it so we get it back and get it straight but forget to get an oil change and so here we rot this parking lot while the work is finished and in the lobby in the lobby like light sources blazing and bouncing off me in the lobby in the lobby free coffee free coffee so someone sells my sister dope I get the call and stumble home with hickeys on a binding bra I let my family see me they take her off of life support my family cries the vultures swarm I lead them through two by two to help them with their grieving in the lobby in the lobby in little styrofoam cups that my relatives brought me in the lobby in the lobby free coffee free coffee so it's pretty hard to hang yourself I tried my best it wasn't much I called my ba he traveled back he took me to the clinic they get me in the intake's fine but I look back at him one more time he's far behind trying to find some kind of comfort in it in the lobby in the lobby while my father has to wonder what he'd do without me in the lobby in the lobby free coffee free coffee
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the trees are just here to protect us from the highway the highways just here to bring us to the roads that leads up the back stair to the rickedy back porch where three or four trans women have nowhere else to go you roll me a cigarette in a little machine spits it out slowly light delicate made as a weapon for the passage of time for something to live for or for the hell of it yeah we're blowing smoke here but whatdyou care we live on currents your weather has set the humid air follows us up to our shelter and sticks to the porcelain where the ash collects I like smoking them fine but I like secondhand better cause out there we'll flare up alone and down here we burn out together the filters just here to protect us from the poison the poison's just here so we never leave so we sit on this back porch protecting each other with the limited weaponry that we find within reach you roll me a cigarette heaping with plenty with fingers so nimble and delicate stained we'll be full til we're empty then try to be full again yeah we're blowing smoke here but isn't it pretty and isn't it something and isn't it swell that hurting ourselves and hurting each other and hurting the world is just what makes us well I'll buy them uptight and it's fine but I like them loose and its better cause out there they hunt us in packs and down here the fags roll together

about

recorded and mixed by noel'le longhaul; art by nick berger; released august 12th 2016 by great falls arts collective

credits

released August 12, 2016

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alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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