split w/ lady queen paradise

by alyssa kai

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a mournful song rang down from the hills I didn't understand rolled once or twice in my sleeping bag grease in my hair head in my hands I was taking day by terrible day in a northern california fall deep shame confusion deep in repentance deep worry bout it all what do I see in the morning what blight barrels down toward me writhing in my flightless body bless the gifts this world has for me [sunshine] soaring down toward me what right could you bring here for me what clamps down here in the morning listen closely try to know me I don't understand the sound rang with a clicking and moaning I rose with what little I had saw their ancient beaks open down at me child why are you so sad I was sleeping night after horrible night in the back of your van rising when I couldn't stand the sun no more grease in my hair head in my hands seven turkeys in the morning following the word toward me wandering flightless by my body bless the gifts this world has for me image soaring down toward me what light could you bring here for me what clamps down here in the morning listen closely try to know me I don't understand I'll never understand
5.
open wide so god comes in wraps herself around my throat push her tendrils round my tongue cover up my olive eyes I want god to come with me and I want god to come for me and leave me here a lump of clay arch my back so god can see holds me up against her hair binds my body down to earth I don't wrestle anymore I want god to come with me and I want god to come for me and leave me here -- cup your hands sprinkle down territory captured land birthing ground waiting for me rupture prone finding fault magnitudal rapture zone empty vault waiting for you supper plans kiss my cheek wanna be you cracking lens body weak I can't see you upper bone fracture sound body breaking afterglow homeward bound for the taking run your hands slick with grime feel the pressure wrapped in plans sick designs my confession cut me up fuck me up holy vaunted caterwaul altar call all I want is I want god to fuck my brain take my words far away heaven shines in single ray casting dawn before the day I want god to come with me and I want god to come for me and leave me here --
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scrub my little body on stones like seven-year-old sendspace links long dead take these obstacles as signs of flow sixteen different shades of red signs of accretion (potentially cancerous) assembling into canon hand over hand into semantics with supposed complexity but really just ruled by supply and demand and I know you're good right and pure or whatever when the chips come down I know I can do better oh the geographies man can create without why or wherefore but man have you ever made a map of a land that you didn't try to conquor I rise from the ground and I reach for my cane but I left it way back in massachusetts generally I feel like an imposter to pain but right now I could really fucking use it I reach for my headphones (those twin singing earmuffs) hoping the [bleeding] will halt rub what you wrote in my little red wounds and instead it stings me like salt and you've laced your burdens up light as a feather but when you're weighted down I know I can do better I know we're all trying to do good in this world but your contradictions test me man like you can do anything he likes so good behavior doesn't impress me blood on my body oh I forgot in the depths of my petty polemic but it dries like every damn thing in this world and I admit I begin to forget it I stalk east to my cabin in the middle of nowhere to lick what remains of my wounds to suck up the things that are stuck to my body and spit them back right hard at you and you do it well when you're facing fair weather but the rain's coming down I know I can do better being around you taught me what writing songs was for but I don't wanna play the rules of your game and I don't wanna write any songs anymore
8.
my body's been down in the water yeah my body's been drowned with the land my body's been fished from the bottom begging to die in the sand dark on the face of the deep yeah but sometimes the winter don't end dead earth dry land grief don't talk but here I am the future ain't lookin' alright no the pastimes are looking the same you think you can override death drive you try being tender with pain I close the garage door and somehow I notice no somehow it's springtime again freezing red falling sand our salvation it is in hand and I've been alive in the desert now naked asleep in your arms and I've been half-dead in the hospital hearing your stories of harm you rev yourself up for the summer now your cylinders warm who are you where ya from doesn't matter cause here I come someday I'm gonna stop waiting here at the foot of your bed someday I'm gonna drive southwest til your song gets out of my head someday's the day I get up from my grave to be something the seasons don't know how to name we praise we decay secret's out so move away

about

(recorded and mixed by noel'le longhaul; art by nick berger; released november 12th 2016 by great falls arts collective)

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released November 12, 2016

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alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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