split w/ foster carrots

by alyssa kai

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Sophia Lamontagne
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Sophia Lamontagne When I first had this album shown to me, I went and downloaded it, then proceeded to listen to it for two weeks on repeat at work. There's such a raw emotion being present here, that it couldn't miss my attention. I put this album on when I need a good cry, or just to reflect. I probably listened to this as much as Transgender Dysphoria Blues. Favorite track: drag bunt suicide squeeze (alyssa kai).
yrx
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yrx gr8 music for those who grew up in a spiritual environment and abandoned it because of abusive folks within the system and are in the process of rediscovering what we thought to've abandoned. there are apparently lots of us. Favorite track: southern winds (foster carrots).
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1.
Sorry for smoking on your grave You wouldn't be the first one to haunt me no surprise These boys can't say anything without being on everything You know it's true you know it's true So I'll get close but I'll be clear Everyone feels like a substitute for someone who isn't here at least right now But I'll get close but I'll be clear These words can't leave beyond here And you say "I hate myself everyday" (me too) I keep on gaining secrets that I never meant to keep I wanna be more honest But I keep on gaining secrest that I never meant to keep I'll only lie once or twice to you baby (maybe) (maybe) So we'll get drunk and so we'll black out Vomit on the train tracks that's what college is all about Right, yeah we'll get high and yeah we'll crossfade Forget our papers due the next day
2.
Let's chainsmoke in the pool steal some 40s from the grocery store They'll never catch us my brother doesn't work there anymore I'm trying to pretend I never fell in love with you I'm trying to pretend I never fell in love with you, with you, with you Vomit in the algae I say "Walk in a straight line I dare you" "I'm too queer for that" you laugh and I say "yeah missed you" I can say with honesty that I miss kissing you But I can say with honesty that I don't want to kiss you And I can say with honesty that I wish you did less drugs I can say with honesty "Dearest friend you've had enough, you've had enough, you've had enough" You've had enough, you've had enough, hand me the bottle Let's steal 40s and chainsmoke We're so edgy we're so edgy seventeen we're both leos You told me that you never kissed a girl before That still holds true but it was all still gay as hell
3.
Southern winds not that south yeah Southern winds in my mouth The air tastes like blood tonight These southern boys in their trucks Why do they care oh so much Are you a faggot or a dyke? Fuck you But why am I so attached yeah Why am I so attached I swore I'd never go back Why am I so attached yeah Why am I so attached I never really liked the concept of home So welcome to Virginia welcome home My mother doesn't know my real name Yeah welcome to Virginia welcome home I don't recognize anyone anymore That's good But why am I so attached yeah Why am I so attached I swore I'd never go back Why am I so attached yeah Why am I so attached I never really liked the concept of home Southern winds not that south yeah Southern winds in my mouth The air tastes like blood every night
4.
Popped a tire on the way to work and I kept pedaling It felt like a metaphor for all the ways that I keep meddling It'd be a lie if I said I didn't miss it And it'd be fine if I said I didn't wish it But my entire life is crumbling down on me So I'll lock this broken bike to that tree yeah You're looking for home in all the wrong places Since for kids like us home is built not found So we'll build a home in our hearts and it's covered in blood Shaking twice every second but it's all we've got Hold my hand since I've got yours I'll take your puluse counting every thump And you can tell me at the minute mark And you can count, you can count, you can count You can count on me
5.
Watch my smoke leave my cigarette rewind let it back in Maybe I'll smoke this forever maybe I'll learn not to sin Rewind to being thirteen catholic girl leading the choir Compared to being eighteen religious something lit on fire Yeah I'm opening up to god and I'm trying not to live a lie These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive Yeah I'm opening up to god I'm trying not to live a lie These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive And I'm trying not to die So I'm cutting off all my hair cutting up all my clothes I'm looking for ways to exist within this mold Thinking back to Father Carroll confession every Saturday I kissed a girl "again?" he sends me on my way I recite three Hail Marys and tell myself I'm not gay I've got bigger fish to fry I've got bigger fish to fry So I'm hiding in this bathroom cause I can't exist outside the door Make this shower last forever cause I hate what meets me outside that door Back to the fists back to the screams back to these people who hate me Between the fists between the screams my father lies says he doesn't hate me I was named after him My brother's name is his Narcissism It runs in the family So I'm opening up to god and I'm trying not to live a lie These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive Yeah I'm opening up to god I'm trying not to live a lie These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive Rewind to being thirteen catholic girl leading the choir Compared to being eighteen religious something lit on fire Watch the smoke leave rewind I'll be a smoker forever but at least I'll live I'll be a sinner forever but at least I'll live I'm learning to live with sin
6.
In the morning you were your scars In the morning yeah you were your scars The light hit me and the light hit you Those textures multiplied Lines you made danced with lines you didn't All on a body I've never touched Pardon me pardon me pardon me But I gathered them into a nest I gathered them into a nest In my mind your blossoms shone purple and white I didn't know you were flowers I didn't know your flesh carries what my flesh carries Pardon me pardon me pardon me But I took them all into my hands I took them all into my hands I am so proud of you for what you have made I am so proud of you for what you have made
7.
Back at the south boston boys school Where I first learned to play Couldn't tell right field from little ol' left field but They had me anyway Got on base just once in three years Hitting an ump in the process And a sac fly out to center field or something I was flawless And I was becoming a creature that none of my Friends from those days understand Stuffing my sister's old bra in a white cotton button down Shirt with the sleeves pulled down over my hands Hiding the lines that I drew in the mirror My sister said Honey You Throw Like a Girl like the Backstop my parents kept in their backyard Where my father'd walk toward me and mutter these words: "Drag your feet toward the base Leave your hands above the plate Drop the bat and let it roll You'll be leaving home" And my sister was a Yankee 'Til she moved away from home And I didn't give two halves of one shit about baseball 'Til she overdosed You know my parents they ask me how I'm doing And I don't wanna lie So I dither to them about the Red Sox bullpen 'Stead of saying I wanna die It's like being fourteen around bodies that strained against Bodies condensed to nonsensical images I Play back on replay reviewing the calls like when I saw the Spinners in 2006 I Asked my friend Greg whether he'd ever thought about Maybe like I don't know being a girl and when He told me No I knew I was alone I would draw in the mirror and mutter these words: "You're on third the score is tied Signal's made the pitcher winds As I square catcher sees You're coming home to me"
8.
So you're pissed that I'm self-harming and you know I understand I know because I live with it not because I planned on it But something I don't get no matter how I try Is that even after I told you 'bout it you still get surprised And try to blame me for the ways that I keep myself together It's almost like honey you believe It Gets Better I'm not afraid of my scars and I've got an armful And who would've bid that trying to live Could mean something you'd never believe The only advice that I know how to give Follow your body when you don't know how to grieve I'm not saying that it's healthy the thing I do to cope But don't you think I've tried to find some other things to go on You talk about survival like self care is something pretty y'know Some of us are cutting just to keep ourselves from slitting And if what I've never not done makes you hate me Then why the fuck do you still date me Health's not much different from harm and self-care ain't a carnival And I wanna be rid but I'm trying to live And it's the only damn thing that relieves The only advice that I know how to give Follow your body when you don't know how-- It sucks And it's unfair But it happens Everywhere You cry more about me than I could cry for myself You ask me to help you heal from my own mental health All the time and space that I could take to change my hand I spend it on consoling you for how fucked up I am You think you're gonna save her, gonna use your love to tame her While babe you basically just coerce me in to more emotional labor Pull me from under your arm you're the one that's harmful And I won't put a lid on trying to live And if you don't like it then leave The only advice that I know how to give Follow your body when you don't know how to--
9.
I get off the greyhound round 9:45 Twelve hours after the stop in St. Cloud I hold off the cold with a bottle of wine And spin up some stories to read you aloud In the back of my mind it's alive and it's evil With whispering history withering harm But I throw you a smirk when I finally see you And fall from the station and into your arms People don't keep enough secrets these days Or the secrets we keep aren't enough to inspire We keep up and catalog all of the ways Our fantasies fail to fulfill our desires But follow me back to the cabin I live in Find us together let us commune Our fantasies can't hide the fire that's within Our surfaces never will shine like the moon's And when it's finally over we're lying in bed And we're both trying to know that we've done the right thing And we're sad in the heart and we're sick in the head And we both wanna know what the future will bring I'll whisper the secret and you'll understand And the horror will spread across both of our faces To settle down deep on our dearest of plans We are celebate beings in constant embraces Take us back to the churches our grandmothers made Take us back to our childhood broken and gone Take us back to the saints that we knew when we prayed Take us back to the clouds that we saw in the dawn They are done plotting they're starting to rise The death of your friends the rise of your foes but I've planted a powerful spell in your eyes To nurture your body wherever it goes
10.
My hair is in tangles my body is sore I sleep by a box fan I mumble my words I wonder how far away you are gonna get Cause I thought I knew you but I guess I don't know nothing yet I tour to Harrisburg to Kalamazoo I tour to your house and I try to find you And they're very polite here they welcome me in But I don't do nothin' but wait for my life to begin Cause my friend is in therapy my friend is in Spain My friend just OD'd on the Clarion plains My friend is driving to Clarion soon as she can To meet with her friends from Chicago and all of their friends Some months from now you'll be a show And you'll see me and ask me "why'd you have to go And why are you back here where will you be next" But I'll tell you honestly I don't think I ever left I tour to New Brunswick out west to the Springs I tour with whatever my body my bring And [I] play for the people I hope they understand But none of them know what to do when I tell them my plan Cause my partner's in Agawam my partner's in pain My partner is leaving her house by the bay My partner just married their partner (also their wife) Til death do them part til one of us ends our own life My body's in tangles my hair isn't sure To cinch itself tighter or cut itself more And I wish I didn't wake up this morning here in my bed I thought I knew you but I guess I don't know nothing yet

about

(recorded and mixed by noel'le longhaul; banjo on "southern winds" and organ on "narcissism" by alyssa kai; art by nick berger; released may 12th 2016 by great falls arts collective)

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released May 12, 2016

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alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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