narcissism (foster carrots)

from split w/ foster carrots by alyssa kai

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lyrics

Watch my smoke leave my cigarette rewind let it back in
Maybe I'll smoke this forever maybe I'll learn not to sin
Rewind to being thirteen catholic girl leading the choir
Compared to being eighteen religious something lit on fire
Yeah I'm opening up to god and I'm trying not to live a lie
These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive
Yeah I'm opening up to god I'm trying not to live a lie
These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive
And I'm trying not to die

So I'm cutting off all my hair cutting up all my clothes
I'm looking for ways to exist within this mold
Thinking back to Father Carroll confession every Saturday
I kissed a girl "again?" he sends me on my way
I recite three Hail Marys and tell myself I'm not gay
I've got bigger fish to fry
I've got bigger fish to fry

So I'm hiding in this bathroom cause I can't exist outside the door
Make this shower last forever cause I hate what meets me outside that door
Back to the fists back to the screams back to these people who hate me
Between the fists between the screams my father lies says he doesn't hate me
I was named after him
My brother's name is his
Narcissism
It runs in the family

So I'm opening up to god and I'm trying not to live a lie
These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive
Yeah I'm opening up to god I'm trying not to live a lie
These things they were compulsive these things kept me alive
Rewind to being thirteen catholic girl leading the choir
Compared to being eighteen religious something lit on fire
Watch the smoke leave rewind

I'll be a smoker forever but at least I'll live
I'll be a sinner forever but at least I'll live
I'm learning to live with sin

credits

from split w/ foster carrots, released May 12, 2016

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about

alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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