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harm​/​full (alyssa kai)

from split w/ foster carrots by alyssa kai

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lyrics

So you're pissed that I'm self-harming and you know I understand
I know because I live with it not because I planned on it
But something I don't get no matter how I try
Is that even after I told you 'bout it you still get surprised
And try to blame me for the ways that I keep myself together
It's almost like honey you believe It Gets Better
I'm not afraid of my scars and I've got an armful

And who would've bid that trying to live
Could mean something you'd never believe
The only advice that I know how to give
Follow your body when you don't know how to grieve

I'm not saying that it's healthy the thing I do to cope
But don't you think I've tried to find some other things to go on
You talk about survival like self care is something pretty y'know
Some of us are cutting just to keep ourselves from slitting
And if what I've never not done makes you hate me
Then why the fuck do you still date me
Health's not much different from harm and self-care ain't a carnival

And I wanna be rid but I'm trying to live
And it's the only damn thing that relieves
The only advice that I know how to give
Follow your body when you don't know how--

It sucks
And it's unfair
But it happens
Everywhere

You cry more about me than I could cry for myself
You ask me to help you heal from my own mental health
All the time and space that I could take to change my hand
I spend it on consoling you for how fucked up I am
You think you're gonna save her, gonna use your love to tame her
While babe you basically just coerce me in to more emotional labor
Pull me from under your arm you're the one that's harmful

And I won't put a lid on trying to live
And if you don't like it then leave
The only advice that I know how to give
Follow your body when you don't know how to--

credits

from split w/ foster carrots, released May 12, 2016

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alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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