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contingency

by alyssa kai

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leslie
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leslie shes really good Favorite track: exegetical heretical.
becmojo
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becmojo alyssa's powerful voice, masterful and aching lyrics, and painfully intentional structure makes contingency a heart-wrenching, feels-wringing album.
alyssa kai brings the intensity to each track. Favorite track: waking ablaze.
Cypress
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Cypress exegetical heretical is everything I want in a song
Vaughn Cartwright
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Vaughn Cartwright i've listened to Contingency at least once a week for a lot of months now. helped me get up in the morning more than once. Favorite track: shortest route.
Sophia Lamontagne
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Sophia Lamontagne I love your music so much, and it always means a lot to me when I listen to it. When I first found your work I listened to it all day at work each day for a week plus. It was the split album with Foster Carrots, and I loved every moment of it. The saddest songs always hit home the hardest... I just, want to let you know how much I appreciate you making your music. You've impacted my life in a meaningful way with your art. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Favorite track: queen of hell.
Ty Rex
Ty Rex thumbnail
Ty Rex In between what sound like lost Mountain Goats demos and never-before-heard Rilo Kiley riffs, contingency is saying something entirely new - and yet its stories are so familiar they could have been mine. I listened to this for the first time (and the second time) while riding my bike and it was the perfect soundtrack for getting lost and finding my way again. Favorite track: mood stabilizers.
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    Digital release only; vinyl release coming spring 2016 via Gray Sky Micropress. General cw on the album for depression and death. Y'all know bandcamp takes a 15% cut of sales, yeh?
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1.
i woke up this morning and rose from my bed my mind is ablaze with such thoughts in my head there isn't lot that my living requires but no one should have to see water on fire out on my barge I caught sight of a glow that took from the city a million or more we pulled water from oily water and sprayed but the man I love lies hundred miles away I get home tonight and I lay in my bed my mind is ablaze with such thoughts in my head it's my job to fight it but I'm getting tired some days I just wanna see cleveland on fire on the front page that the fire anoints says "ohio pen rebels fed at gunpoint" I'm off to my post I get no holiday while the man I love lies hundred miles away I wake up in pain barely rose from my bed my mind is ablaze with such thoughts in my head the riot continued from when it transpired when powderkeg hearts caught together on fire last hallowe'en night when the moonshine was full my lover he fought for the food in his bowl 'gainst the national guard I'll have no peace today while the man I love lies hundred miles away I get home again I can't stay in this bed my mind is ablaze with such thoughts in my head they'd spit if they knew my source of desire I'm alone on this river forever on fire I heard today that they cut off the heat and if he doesn't freeze he'll have nothing to eat the wind and the rain come in north off the lake while the man I love lies hundred miles away I will not come back home and I won't come to bed I am waking ablaze with these thoughts in my head some of the men in those cellblocks retired but on those who resisted the guards opened fire the wounded are four the murdered are one the embers are caged and my lover he's gone so I'm setting a fire to burn up this whole state for the man I love lying hundred miles away
2.
fear is everything you ignorant man fear is the wall between us and them fear is the mortar fear is the stone fear is the rule of the land coming home fear holds the one with the sum of her side fear holds the other in silence and lies I have no army so I open my wings fear holds my place in the order of things patience is viral and patience is vain but patience can keep me from going insane patience will hold as my insight decays patience alights me and keeps me ablaze losing my patience it ruined my life in patience undone I passed over the signs with patience in place I would never have strayed I'll try to be patient 'til the end of my days gratitude might just hold me in place gratitude might just assuage my disgrace gratitude might just reveal my next steps 'cause gratitude gains what ingratitude left gratitude help me gratitude please I'm alone I'm ungrateful I don't know what I need ingratitude poisons and keeps us apart oh gratitude bring me the truth of your heart
3.
eyes open one day eyes closed another eyes open once more and we're staring at our hands pressure on our wrists pulling in the forearms pricks in the elbows pops in the shoulders twisting in the spines holding tired heads in our hands swaying back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and for-- caught alone in public caught alone at home caught with the scars that we drew that we never should've shown stare up from our desks at the people all around wonder if they see us or if we're already gone catch us fantasizing on it catch us too tired to stop catch our bodies vibrating back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and for-- wake up in the night with a vision on my mind run across the city for some reason I'm alive breathing in the dark with a vision on my mind run across this city wonder if you've died run our bodies are burning run to the shivering north run 'cause the stars won't stop turning back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and for--
4.
I think the lake of fire is subject to tidal phenomena I think the screaming of the damned rises and falls in small intervals I think that hell is quietly throbbing under our feet all that kinetic energy has gotta go somewhere I think below us the beasts and the false prophets and the devils are staring jealously up at us with open palms and peter and paul and all those up in the bosom of abraham are staring pleasantly down at us with crossed arms and god's gonna bubble up from the mud and none of you motherfuckers will have a clue what to do but don't worry I'll tell you something else did you know they sell new women's compact devotional bibles NIV translations of the old and new testament 75 x 5 x 125 mm lightweight offset paper seven point pink font I think some trans woman punk down there in oklahoma came home from high school one day only to find the new women's compact devotional bible on her bed as a confusing gesture from her devout parents and satan's gonna spill down from the rafters and all of you babies will broil about but I'll tell you, I'll tell you I won't tell you anything and being raised catholic gave me divine authority to say really whatever I like in an exclamatory manner
5.
u-hauling 02:37
I wake up in the woods by a cast-iron stove in winter a preacher on the payphone warns me of what I need to know I mumble to myself "I'm not ready" and I worry you pick me up from the station at sunrise I'm ready to go you accelerate so slowly it's the kindest thing I've seen in several days I can never see your eyes darting wildly hidden by your hair you decelerate to a stop before you loose your slender fingers from my hand I can never see your eyes but somehow I know they are there pull out the backyard open wide the itching in my wrists subsides kisses like punctuation marks the burning horizon shooting off sparks we're stopping maybe it's wrong we won't be here very long I slip and slide wildly over your mother's icy driveway confused inside your mother's boyfriend chops up vegetables and you pack outside I watch the woodpeckers swarming at the feeder in the snow outside you give me one of those looks I give it to ya right back we leave and the mattress bangs wildly on the roof of your car the same tape whines away three or four or five or six times we leave the windows fly open at will let the cool air in and at last the sun gives up and sinks below the pines pull out of here our smiles wide I barely know how to drive kisses like punctuation marks the burning horizon shooting off sparks car on fire in the pennsylvania pines "harder days coming maybe, I don't mind" freeway winding wide and clear powerlines draw us tight and near you and me so far gone we won't be here very long
6.
gray area 04:06
walking home from the cinema on a warm & wintry night I pause not a moment in my steps up north to the ballroom filled with light but my umbrella I kept open though it rained not one drop down & I thought like I thought for the last two hours when ya gonna come round I have loved you longer than I have ever told you & more than I could ever ever tell you now when tell me when will I meet your eyes again when will raindrops fall back down I don't wanna cry in some other girl's arms bout some other other girl who's not you but in your smile meet your gold brown eyes & ask to marry you careful careful we began to care when we'd see each other soon I can't even say what one visit means it's a jewel to visit you but I keep those jewels in an old gray box where they tarnish red & brown I will crack that lid give it one long look then lower it back down every soggy step I take leaves a great big hole in the ground if these small steps never lead to you might as well just lay back down I don't wanna wander the whole world over wondering what I'm supposed to do but in your town set my guitar down & ask to marry you I don't wanna stay here brattle & bray here til my face & hands turn blue alone aground in this rainy damn town screaming cross the sky for you the others they ignore me they scold & avoid me they scramble at my sound & all my cries whether wet or dry not one gets off the ground sometimes I think I see the future but with you it's crowded round I can't see what tomorrow holds I'm so scared I'll let you down I don't wanna plead here on bended knee here to tell me when you're next coming through but in touch one day though the sky'll be gray I'll ask to marry
7.
mental health is medical mental health is not mental health circulates hides bides births small measured steps short small measured steps only short small short small measured steps you're my geodesic you're my shortest route you you a river me me the sea don't break through no please don't go just hold me close over miles below 'til word spreads word spreads misses the mark to acolytes to statistics to priestesses word spreads word spreads word spreads word spreads word spreads word spreads of suspension
8.
running from shelter to shelter for so long & smiling when you finally open up the door swelling with the memories we're making throw my wet clothes on the floor I grimace when I finish you grin & close the door long hard & many times I've started to try to make each rising morning new I don't tend to turn around when I've departed but I'm ready to try running home to you I know I come here often but not as much as you when a woman sits in hell there the sunlight ever swells so thank you for the many nights of action tangent lines tied tight inside your bed covers like tidal waves crosshatching sheets wrapped tight around our heads I hold you like I'm living I sleep here like I'm dead there's a little more little more of me every morning a little less lying below the fold at sunrise when I stumble onto the hardwood flooring you know it doesn't feel so cold tell you I don't know my limits fuck what you've been told juice runs wild down my lips woman's blood is in her hips once upon a time there was a woman known for her beauty wisdom too she went picking flowers one morning & disappeared from view what happened to me what happened to you mine will be a somewhere sun woman's work is never done
9.
your face indescribable my body inscrutable we started kissing in seasons unsuitable but patterns appear here get clearer & clearer each time I follow you home I bare what I am with wide-eyed abandon you utterly recklessly hold to my hand & sarcastic & smiling dancing in timing we build us a place we can go where I will build a bed with you where I will build a bed with you I'll put my head upon your chest & we will know better & better wherever we rest but the world that walk's a delirious mess it's made up of decadence drift & duress while we tend to our purity pray to futurity the wanderlust waits for us all our houses will burn our cities will sink our countries will calcify down to the brink all of our bonds no matter how fond are destined to loosen & fall so I may tend a bed with you & I may mend I bed with you but though we're brave we're not the best we'll wander oh whether oh whether together we rest different is all we can hope to expect different than what we made when we first met cause we gotta be strong & we gotta be set & we gotta be supple as supple can get the fire in you doesn't need to be kept the fire in me is too weak to be wet so light up the end of your last cigarette let's see what this world will bring next when I burn down this bed with you when I burn down this bed with you our hearts may break it's for the best we'll find other ways til forever & ever we rest
10.
someone walks by in a beautiful skirt canvas went rustling by through the screen the seams cut a line tween the snow & the sky I cannot tell ya the ways that it hurts someone made steps there with beautiful poise striking a hit with their beautiful digs strutting their leggings past where I sit with my boring performative ambient noise someone with pretty hip jeans on their thighs floats by my table to pick up a drink I stand here unblinking stuck here unstable I stay in this basement with tears in my eyes you wear what you like what you like is a choice & you chose a desire for pretty hip jeans with my heart on my sleeve I would only expire in boring performative ambient noise somebody tries on a gorgeous new hive dangling tails on their blushing red ears yeah maybe the queers we're all destined to fail but some of us wear what we need to survive if I wore my true colors you wouldn't enjoy the bleeding & mismatching colors of thread patchwork imperiled dead-set crosshatching more boring performative ambient noise
11.
my heart is an express train rolling south through 68th left & right the local trains are slowing on their way weaving in & out of me as I go rolling by left & right from either side like flashbulbs shooting out of time the slightest spark will drag the dark to light you wanna know if I'm alright just look I'm an apple of your eye I am an open book pull me off the shelf when we're apart you'll see all you need to see but you'll never see my heart you might make it to the station but you'll miss the subway car when I get depressed (by which I mean when I am tired & awake) I crane my neck & take the train. you never really know if the train is going inbound to oak grove, or the train's going inbound to forest hills, or the train's going outbound to forest hills, or the train's going outbound to oak grove. you gotta watch & wait. & shuffle your feet up to the bumpy yellow edge of the warning track & wait. & hear the train rumble like arrival like survival coming to rest. I will tell you honestly (as honestly as I can): I have never jumped in front of my heart yet

about

contingency 34m38s

waking ablaze 3m07s
cardinal virtues 3m45s
mood stabilizers 3m15s
exegetical heretical 2m15s
u hauling 2m37s
gray area 4m06s
shortest route 2m18s
queen of hell 4m49s
sleep patterns 3m36s
ambient noise 1m45s
subway systems 3m00s

credits

released January 27, 2016

words and music and performances by alyssa kai
produced and recorded and mixed by james riotto
with assistance by john vanderslice and meg webb
at tiny telephone in san francisco california
mastered by jeff lipton assisted by maria rice
at peerless mastering in boston massachusetts
art selected from paintings by james tissot
special thanks to fred and jan and michael
released by gray sky micropress jan 27 2016
email lyskoi at riseup dotnet website lyskoi.net
general content notice for depression and death

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alyssa kai Greenfield, Massachusetts

writer and performer living in western massachusetts.

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